What tools are for


Funny pictures, stories, whatever - just light entertainment
  • Sponsored Links
User avatar
petesgoldwing
Posts: 55
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 6:42 pm
Location: Enola, Pa.
Motorcycle: 1982 GL1100A Aspencade

What tools are for

Postby petesgoldwing » Sat Dec 06, 2014 7:38 am



Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against your favorite poster that over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.



User avatar
seelyark1
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun May 27, 2012 1:57 pm
Location: Dunnellon, Florida
Motorcycle: 2000 GL1500 SE
1998 GL1500 SE Totaled
1984 VT500C
1967 CB550-4

Re: What tools are for

Postby seelyark1 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 8:58 am

LOL, I see you have been a home mechanic too. Got to try to figure out how to send this to my son in the Navy, who works on aircraft.
Ride safe, and smart. Asphalt is like #1 grit sandpaper. Dave

bustedwing
Posts: 1052
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2011 4:17 pm
Location: Hermansville, Mich
Motorcycle: 1990 Gold wing Trike
Contact:

Re: What tools are for

Postby bustedwing » Mon Dec 15, 2014 2:59 pm

I love it, you are very accurate. I spent 35 years as a heavy equipment mechanic and this is a part that the military training left out!
Proud member Patriot Guard

User avatar
trike lady
Posts: 872
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 5:58 pm
Location: Butler, PA
Motorcycle: 1993 GL1500 Aspencade with Voyager (Sold)
1983 GL650I SilverWing Interstate

Re: What tools are for

Postby trike lady » Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:08 pm

Screw drivers always used to pry cans open.
Ain't that the truth about tools and their uses.

Many years ago my mom bought a coconut and couldn't figure out how to get the milk out of it. I went out to the garage, got out the drill and made 2 holes in the coconut and now the milk could come out and next I put the coconut in a bag and smashed it with a hammer. Now you know how to disassemble a coconut with hand tools. :lol:
I.M.B.B.A. Technician II Certified

bustedwing
Posts: 1052
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2011 4:17 pm
Location: Hermansville, Mich
Motorcycle: 1990 Gold wing Trike
Contact:

Re: What tools are for

Postby bustedwing » Wed Dec 17, 2014 10:02 am

Thanks for that addition to the technical training manuals! Lol.
Proud member Patriot Guard

User avatar
Mh434
Posts: 944
Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2014 10:24 pm
Location: Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
Motorcycle: 1997 gl1500 SE
Previous:
1981 GL1100I
1989 Kawasaki Concours

Re: What tools are for

Postby Mh434 » Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:52 pm

I've seen this one many times, in many places, and it still makes me laugh until I cry! There isn't ONE item on there, anywhere, that I haven't experienced. I had a vise-grips-handle-shaped scar on the palm of my left hand for years after successfully transferring heat from my oxyacetylene torch...and there's still a hole in my garage wall where a large bolt left my bench-mounted wire wheel at mach 7. Never did find the bolt - it may be buried in a neighbor's house!

User avatar
petesgoldwing
Posts: 55
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 6:42 pm
Location: Enola, Pa.
Motorcycle: 1982 GL1100A Aspencade

Re: What tools are for

Postby petesgoldwing » Sat Dec 20, 2014 11:13 am

seelyark1 wrote:LOL, I see you have been a home mechanic too. Got to try to figure out how to send this to my son in the Navy, who works on aircraft.

He will love it. It would make his day.




Return to “Just for Fun”




Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests