Funnies


Funny pictures, stories, whatever - just light entertainment
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Rob H
Posts: 296
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2014 7:41 am
Location: Muscat Oman
Motorcycle: 2000 1500 SE, XR 650, CBR 600, Harley FB, KLR 650, CBX 750 Cafe Racer, Z1000 Eddie Lawson.

Funnies

Postby Rob H » Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:13 pm



One Liners

· - A day without sunshine is like night.

· - On the other hand, you have different fingers.

· - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

· - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

· - Remember, half the people you know are below average.

· - He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

· - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

· - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

· - Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

· - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

· - Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

· - If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

· - How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

· - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

· - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

· - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

· - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

· - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

· - What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

· - Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

· - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

· - Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

· - Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

· - Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



Work Jokes

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.



User avatar
CMReynolds1
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 5:56 pm
Location: Oregon
Motorcycle: 2013 F6B

Re: Funnies

Postby CMReynolds1 » Sat Jun 20, 2015 1:13 pm

I think I worked for some of the companies that have those policies!
Ride Safe,
Taz


TF 116, RivRon 512, Can Tho, S. Vietnam, 8/66-/9/68, GM(G)2


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