Tool definitions


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Rob H
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Tool definitions

Postby Rob H » Tue Mar 15, 2016 7:23 am



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make timber studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for wall integrity testing.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering your car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that fit more easily into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil all over yourself ; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT (FLAT) SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer these days, is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

**** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



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roadwanderer2
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Re: Tool definitions

Postby roadwanderer2 » Tue Mar 15, 2016 8:20 am

funny, true but funny.

stuart.

garwil
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Location: Memphis, Tennessee
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Re: Tool definitions

Postby garwil » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:24 pm

I think I have used all these tools for the primary purpose stated. :lol:

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roadwanderer2
Posts: 4111
Joined: Thu Aug 08, 2013 4:03 am
Location: sweetwater, Tennessee
Motorcycle: 83 GL1100A aspencade, previously owned, 1981 honda GL500i silverwing interstate, 1974 yamaha xs400, 1974 Honda cb450 twin cam, 1983 honda vt30, 1982 honda 700 shadow, 1972 cb750four, and my first bike, a brand new 1982 honda CM400e. and a new to me 1986 GL1200 aspencade SEi
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Re: Tool definitions

Postby roadwanderer2 » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:21 pm

garwil wrote:I think I have used all these tools for the primary purpose stated. :lol:


oh im sure you did, as did I :roll:.

stuart.

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julimike54
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Re: Tool definitions

Postby julimike54 » Thu Mar 17, 2016 12:09 pm

The only way you're not going to get it, you don't know the tool, cause it's all true :lol: :lol:
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OldZX11Rider
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Re: Tool definitions

Postby OldZX11Rider » Sat Apr 09, 2016 8:10 pm

All very true! Table saws are also useful for cracking wrists. :D. In case you always wondered what that felt like.
Joiners will also take care of that excess finger, and sometimes extra knuckle problem. :roll:


For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain:


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