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Humour

Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:47 pm
by Rob H
The Painless Dentist
When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.

"He's a fake!" Veronica told her friends. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!"



What Is Your Bed Number

In a Psychiatric Hospital, a Journalist asks the Doctor: "How do you determine whether to admit a person as a patient or not?

Dr: Well ... we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger.

Dr: No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed #39. We will soon start further investigations on you.



Three Friends Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer...

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

Re: Humour

Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:43 pm
by Solina Dave
Rob H wrote:Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"



Re: Humour

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2016 12:56 pm
by wing rider 2012
I hope well all like blond jokes:

This blond gal was driving through a rural part of the state when she came across another blond out in a green pasture in a row boat rowing like hell, she stop her car and yells at the gal in the row boat, "It's blonds like you that give us blonds the reputation of being dumb, and if I could swim I'd come out there and slap you silly."

Re: Humour

Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:37 pm
by Breakdancer
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 9:43 am
by wing rider 2012
Breakdancer wrote:A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Now that's funny!!!!!!!!

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 9:49 am
by wing rider 2012
A blond was driving when she got pulled over by a blond police officer, the officer ask her for her driver license, the blond was looking through her purse and couldn't find her license, the officer said, "It's a small card that has your picture on it. The blond driver looked and looked, soon she found her compact and opened it up, oh! this must be it, she hands it to the police officer who looks at it and says " Sorry Miss, if I known you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over".

Re: Humour

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:30 am
by gabithompson730
:lol: :lol: really excellent jokes

Re: Humour

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:42 pm
by Mh434
Okay, sticking to the theme...

A traffic officer was riding his motorcycle on the highway, trying to determine the cause of a huge slowdown in traffic. He worked his way up the highway, splitting lanes, until he finally got to the front of the line.

There, he found an elderly lady, driving along at 20 mph under the limit, and...knitting as she drove.

The officer told her to pull over, but she seemed not to hear him. He said it again, but louder, and still no response. Finally, he leaned over, right up to her window and yelled - and this time, she wound her window down.

He shouted 'PULL OVER!!!!", but she replied with a smile: "No, young man, it's a cardigan!", and drove off...

Re: Humour

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:53 pm
by redbug
Mh434 wrote:
Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:42 pm
Okay, sticking to the theme...

A traffic officer was riding his motorcycle on the highway, trying to determine the cause of a huge slowdown in traffic. He worked his way up the highway, splitting lanes, until he finally got to the front of the line.

There, he found an elderly lady, driving along at 20 mph under the limit, and...knitting as she drove.

The officer told her to pull over, but she seemed not to hear him. He said it again, but louder, and still no response. Finally, he leaned over, right up to her window and yelled - and this time, she wound her window down.

He shouted 'PULL OVER!!!!", but she replied with a smile: "No, young man, it's a cardigan!", and drove off...
She sure pulled the wool over his eyes

Re: Humour

Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:12 am
by Mh434
Ooooh - you're keeping me in stitches!! :lol:

Re: Humour

Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:48 pm
by MiWinger51
A young gentleman of 66, about the average of a Goldwing rider, went to his doctor for a check up. After the check up the Dr. said, "You are in remarkable health for a man of your age. How old was your father when he passed away." The patient replied, "Did I say my father had died?, Dad is 89". The Dr. said, "That is remarkable, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The patient replied, "Did I say my grandfather had died?, Grampa is 109, in fact he just got married last week". The DR replied, "Your grandfather is 109? Why in the world did he want to get married?" The patients reply? "Did I say he wanted to get married?"

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 2:16 am
by VinceDevin
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:33 am
by 823JIM
I told my buddy that I got a poodle for my wife.

He replied "I wish I could make a trade like that."

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:40 pm
by VinceDevin
823JIM wrote:
Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:33 am
I told my buddy that I got a poodle for my wife.

He replied "I wish I could make a trade like that."
Lol! :D

Re: Humour

Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:49 pm
by VinceDevin
An Australian walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He tells the bartender, “If I put my manhood into this crocodile’s mouth for 15 seconds without it being bitten off, you’ll give me free drinks for the night.”

The bartender agrees, so the guy opens the crocodile’s mouth and puts his manhood inside it. The crocodile gently closes his mouth and, after 15 seconds, the Australian hits it over the head with a bottle. The now-disoriented crocodile opens his mouth, allowing the guy to take out his manhood.

The bartender, shocked, starts serving the free drinks to the Australian. He then announces to the bar, “If anyone else can do that, they’ll get free drinks for the night.”

After a slight pause, a woman chirps, "Ok, I’ll do it, but please just don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle.”